●◊schmeek◊●

Just to say, I’m only writing this here; because, I can’t say it out in person. As well, as to hopefully relieve my mind, and come to terms with this in my own head.
These few weeks, I’ve been struggling, that, of which being put simply, just feels like I’ve been falling behind in my own life. Like, physically, everything is just going by like normal, doing the same routine of school, social, homework etc. But mentally and emotionally, and spiritually, it’s just going splat. Obviously I look normal as usual, and maintain my same social exterior, but really it feels like it’s eating me. Sounds pretty emo right? The only visibility of this I’ve been giving off, is, that I’m tired. Really tired. Of, everything.

Unfortunately, tiredness takes a toll on my appearance eg, baggy eyes, and for the first time, I’m developing panda eyes. The first time I started developing eye bags, was when I started working and schooling. Since the 2nd earthquake, I haven’t worked ( due to the hotel being damaged), and last year, I know, that when I worked, I pushed myself harder at school, and now without it, there is nothing much driving me to get my stuff done. Aside from my arts subjects. Again, it doesn’t really feel like I’m feeling anything as well. Eg. I’m writing this when I have my regression internal starting tomorrow, and it feels like I’m just being overly confident, while everyone seems to be freaking out. But...really, I have no feelings towards it, or to anything, or anyone in this state. What I did, was watch a few episodes of a drama, and read up on what to do for the internal. I looked at the guidelines, did a couple of graphs, and yet, I’m probably underprepared, but stil the numb feeling for everything.

Socially, it is starting to creep in. I can’t tell if it’s the effect of tiredness, but I know I am getting quite bit ruder, but ...ahh!
I remember, in year10 maybe, being at my youth group which was then known as TNC. I don’t quite remember what happened, but people went up to the front, I went as well. Madds prayed for me there, for nearly the same thing I’m dealing with now. It feels almost like I’m dealing with two different people. I remember coming out from that feeling bit better, and also with a sore arm after having our arms around each other for quite a long time.
Now, I don’t know if I can get back to that state, of having both a peaceful mind and heart. It’s almost like somethings blocking my way. Including when I was at church. The other day, all the worship songs brought me to tears, but in my current state, first thought and action was to stop them from flowing. If this was the me 3 years ago, I would’ve freely gone and got prayer. But now, it’s like I can’t really humble myself for anything.

Another thing also has been bugging at me. Last year(or the year before), I went to meet up with my friend at the mall since he stopped in Christchurch for a short while. We had a good chat, and at that point, I was quite “meh” about wearing makeup etc, but did once in a while. I was at that point convinced about natural beauty. Last year, one of my friends came with me Christmas shopping, and I went to get something for my sister from the makeup department, he as well wondered why girls even wore makeup, and said made them look fake etc etc. That also made me think about natural beauty again. Then..earlier this year, when I went back to msia for a holiday. I stayed at my friends house for a while. Her mum asked her why she even bothered with makeup saying she didn’t need to etc shes quite bit older than me) Then one statement struck me “There’s always something more you can do” (in reference to appearance). That statement has quite stuck with me (she was the one that did my eyebrows). And for pretty much nearly all the school days, I have worn eyeliner (at least). It’s as if the older I become, the more naive and shallow I become. I’m not saying wearing makeup is bad etc. But I’m a tiny bit worried about becoming dependent on it. Eg. Just earlier, I was looking through my cosmetics, trying to look for something to decrease the darkness of my eyes.

*sigh*

Last thing. Friggin mindset. Mines...been "qefwuoivbp" since quite a long time now...and I'm having trouble trying to change it. Everytimes I accidently say/do something wrong, it's almost an instant reaction for my mind to say "good job idiot" or other sarcastic comments along the same lines... and it's really not doing any good for me, and is becoming increasingly frequent.

This. Is. Life...?