●◊schmeek◊●

You said sorry for what you did,
and I forgave you.
You said to always send you messages
and that you'd wait for the reply,
but I never got a response to that last one.

It's been several years back then.
It had only been a year since I'd left that time.
Now that I'm permanently gone,
I suppose you would've erased me out of your memory.
I did try to keep in contact,
and visit when I went back,
but I was told you always changed numbers,
so everyone lost track.

But now that I've tried,
am I meant to leave this behind?
Or shall I just wait till another day?
When all is clear in mind...

When someone takes your mates seatin class. At thye back of class, there was the perfect amount of computers . One for me, One for G, One for M, One for T, and a spare for C when she came to class. then, the computer that keeps crashing so noone uses it. We had pretty good convos and all, and it was pretty sweet. Then Mi. decided that she'd take G's computer 'coz the guys were "distracting her from learning" (though it's all literally computer work right now..) and Mi. sits in between Me, and M. So it's almost like she dead-ended me from talking with the rest, and G is too nice not to tell her...==" and now, it's almost quiet lessons for me. Waaah.

Different Case, Similar scenario, Different people ::
In study, J's seat got taken by O. O being the rude kid she is, doesn't give a crap bout anything other than herself.

I wish she could change her attitude. I have an ugly feeling everytime I see her.
First time, I disliked her 'coz her makeup was caked, and er foundation was super bad. Then...her attitude....and...now her in general. Ugh. And so, I have been advised not to go head-on with her, as she is likely to turn it into big melodramatic scene. *sigh*

Probably the busiest so far in my school life.
Monday = badminton training
Tuesday = Stage Challenge <3
So stoked on winning it. It really felt like one of the best nights so far. It was purely amazing and contagious and, exhilarating
Wednesday = work
Thursday = stayed at school for bout 2 extra hours or more on the computers, while realising, I had set someone off by telling them something I thought personally was amusing.
Friday = early day home :) Well, it was delayed, since I had a fun chat with Em & Jayde They're awesome to talk to. Really. Then...work.

All that was inclusive of the english essay assignment, extra bits of homework, photography stuff as well, with hints of randoms.
Overall, it was a good week :D

I just looked at Yana's tumblr. She is freakin amazing. I really love her photography.

She may as well be the photographer for school. :D No offence to the current ones.

So...apparently the formal this year is going to be at addington again. Oh well, it is, afterall, the leavers ball and the last one. I'm bit excited. :D

Just to a couple "Yous"

Hmm, on the otherhand, my friend has been posting random emo statusses on fb. Some, make me cry, just because thats how I feel at times, but really, I have no idea what to say to her. I miss chatting with you, and wish you weren't so busy and bogged down.
I guess it's just one of those times when you feel like you're in a giant box, and just need someone to help pull you out.

Mmm. You, I miss talking to you as well, it's amazing to see how far you've come. Wish you had replied my post, but I guess email may just be the way to go?

And another : You, I haven't talked to you in ages, but it still feels like you're a pretty good friend. :) I don't think I thanked you for last time though. Meant alot to me.

Just to say, I’m only writing this here; because, I can’t say it out in person. As well, as to hopefully relieve my mind, and come to terms with this in my own head.
These few weeks, I’ve been struggling, that, of which being put simply, just feels like I’ve been falling behind in my own life. Like, physically, everything is just going by like normal, doing the same routine of school, social, homework etc. But mentally and emotionally, and spiritually, it’s just going splat. Obviously I look normal as usual, and maintain my same social exterior, but really it feels like it’s eating me. Sounds pretty emo right? The only visibility of this I’ve been giving off, is, that I’m tired. Really tired. Of, everything.

Unfortunately, tiredness takes a toll on my appearance eg, baggy eyes, and for the first time, I’m developing panda eyes. The first time I started developing eye bags, was when I started working and schooling. Since the 2nd earthquake, I haven’t worked ( due to the hotel being damaged), and last year, I know, that when I worked, I pushed myself harder at school, and now without it, there is nothing much driving me to get my stuff done. Aside from my arts subjects. Again, it doesn’t really feel like I’m feeling anything as well. Eg. I’m writing this when I have my regression internal starting tomorrow, and it feels like I’m just being overly confident, while everyone seems to be freaking out. But...really, I have no feelings towards it, or to anything, or anyone in this state. What I did, was watch a few episodes of a drama, and read up on what to do for the internal. I looked at the guidelines, did a couple of graphs, and yet, I’m probably underprepared, but stil the numb feeling for everything.

Socially, it is starting to creep in. I can’t tell if it’s the effect of tiredness, but I know I am getting quite bit ruder, but ...ahh!
I remember, in year10 maybe, being at my youth group which was then known as TNC. I don’t quite remember what happened, but people went up to the front, I went as well. Madds prayed for me there, for nearly the same thing I’m dealing with now. It feels almost like I’m dealing with two different people. I remember coming out from that feeling bit better, and also with a sore arm after having our arms around each other for quite a long time.
Now, I don’t know if I can get back to that state, of having both a peaceful mind and heart. It’s almost like somethings blocking my way. Including when I was at church. The other day, all the worship songs brought me to tears, but in my current state, first thought and action was to stop them from flowing. If this was the me 3 years ago, I would’ve freely gone and got prayer. But now, it’s like I can’t really humble myself for anything.

Another thing also has been bugging at me. Last year(or the year before), I went to meet up with my friend at the mall since he stopped in Christchurch for a short while. We had a good chat, and at that point, I was quite “meh” about wearing makeup etc, but did once in a while. I was at that point convinced about natural beauty. Last year, one of my friends came with me Christmas shopping, and I went to get something for my sister from the makeup department, he as well wondered why girls even wore makeup, and said made them look fake etc etc. That also made me think about natural beauty again. Then..earlier this year, when I went back to msia for a holiday. I stayed at my friends house for a while. Her mum asked her why she even bothered with makeup saying she didn’t need to etc shes quite bit older than me) Then one statement struck me “There’s always something more you can do” (in reference to appearance). That statement has quite stuck with me (she was the one that did my eyebrows). And for pretty much nearly all the school days, I have worn eyeliner (at least). It’s as if the older I become, the more naive and shallow I become. I’m not saying wearing makeup is bad etc. But I’m a tiny bit worried about becoming dependent on it. Eg. Just earlier, I was looking through my cosmetics, trying to look for something to decrease the darkness of my eyes.

*sigh*

Last thing. Friggin mindset. Mines...been "qefwuoivbp" since quite a long time now...and I'm having trouble trying to change it. Everytimes I accidently say/do something wrong, it's almost an instant reaction for my mind to say "good job idiot" or other sarcastic comments along the same lines... and it's really not doing any good for me, and is becoming increasingly frequent.

This. Is. Life...?

- Its hits us all in a different way. Unfortunately, I can't seem to get myself back in to that focus mode, before the earthquake. Not that the earthquake affected me personally too much, since I am fortunate to live on the "safer" side of town, but...it jsut seems to be after that time, I can't exactly concentrate well...==" And now. I'm writting this instead of photography.
I think, I've lost my passion for photography. Instead, it has grown more for design and textiles. Guess that helps push me into the fashion design side. But still, I am confused which way to head next year, though I probably would just do fashion...
Thoughts these days just come into my head, eg. "smooth one idiot" when I do something wrong, and it's obviously not helping. I need to change my mindset...but it's so hard to. Arghs!

At least today was a good day.
Squeezy-outty grape was good :D . What made it better, was my cut-out figures! So cute.

=="
Least I still have a social life I guess?
3 weeks till holidays!

It's Weird stuff really. I got my timetable and was confused, 'coz of the photography class now in the morning. Early morning. Arghs. So I kinda have double study times occasionally. Theres something or someone in all of my classes that make me feel awkward.

Like..
Textiles :: all the year12s is....weird, and they just look so... Yea.
English :: person....
Design :: so many people I don't. And they didn't even take it last year. I'm so thankful for Gili or it'd be boring as! Although I think I embarassed her with all my talking weirdness today
Maths :: several factors here...
Photog :: yet to be confirmed but I'm stuck with person. Again. Arghs

So far.... Maths is the only sub where I've got an asian next to me. Just a random comment of something i realised. It's quite funny as well though. Kinda just zoned out today.

Art rooms this year won't be open to 10pm anymore T_T so I don't know if i can survive . I did a dramaic "nooo" in class with Gili and got the awkwardest stares...teacher was amused as usual. Think shes used to me after 3 years. Hahaa.

¨¨¨¨

I think I'm missing msia already. I nearly teared when saying bye to mummie manda, and daddy dal and phoebs and teresa. Just super weird the thought that after that meet up (the night before I flew off to Penang), that, we all are going separate ways, well you guys, half are staying in kuching at least. We're soon gonna be all in uni, and after that working and starting our own lives. . . It does seem a long time(to me) since I left kuching to start schooling again in nz. But the future seems so close. It's so hard to imagine growing up into that stage. I really love how the last two times I've been back in msia, that we all just chat as if I've never gone and that it's just like old times. :D I miss you guys.

Mummie Manda : All the best for SPM. You'll be awesome. Get a scholorship to nz ae? :D then I can finally play baddy with you. (Though you will smash me) :O I'm still thinking bout france. Annd, also that I'm expecting a sampan to come soon..? :P

Daddy Dalia. : I still don't get how I got my deep voice from you. But it was super funny watching 'tron' . At least my mummie found daddy? Since I was telling mummie that daddy would approve of me going off to france at the end of the year. Hahaa! You're finally a girl now. Yay! Oops, I meant...a man. P.s. Living costs here is expensive. I worked a full week and earnt more than usual, but "low" compared to others, but when convertd to RM...it'd be spending luxury.

Beefy Phoebe : If I remember right....you're meant to be coming to nz :P pahaha. I still remember the story bout 'red eye' that you told me ages ago. And, I actually believed that story. Oh gosh. Children wild with imagination? XD

Shorty Sasha : I guess you'll always be shorter than me? :P jokes man. You're awesomely funny, and as we know is a bully to cyn in class? XD I still don't get why you like your brainfreezes, but everyones different ae ? :P

Crazy Cynthia : I still have your quote. And, whenever someone talks about abs, I kinda crack-up and remember your comment on what type of abs you like. XD such a shame you couldn't come out after D; . Pooeys. Hope you're having fun in beijing! And...shrink a bit :D

Cute Chew : You just like being cute don't you. :P hahaa. Chin up you. Haha, you were really helpful for getting shoes. And, I can't believe I lost to you on that bet. :D oh well I guess. We'll see next time.

Sadly, I will not be going back to malaysia for a long time, 'coz, me ish keen for overseas :D tehe. So you guys have to visit me. 'Kay..?

Ugh, I just thought that I'd just write this here, to stop it from bugging me. . . . Doesn't matter much if you read this or not. Here we go.

You.
I've known you for...ages. Theres been on and off times, just like normal. But usually it's fine after awhile. I still remember last time, when you helped me when I needed it. It wasn't nescessary of you, 'coz it was my punishment. But you did it anyway. And now, it's been ages. When we talk, it's almost like usual. Except for one thing. The question "how are you?" Seems just nearly like a rhetorical question. Most people skim it. But, I did expect a tiny bit more. Like, not to two face and say one thing to me, and another whole story to the rest of the world. Like...really? I guess times passed. But, I am somewhat disappointed in you. Especially throughout the years. . . .